Some officers struggled with the ‘convincingly blending in’ aspect of going undercover.
A Dunstable based environmental protest group disbanded in chaos when it emerged that every single member was an undercover police officer. The group had been camping together in the kind of manky field you’d only put a donkey in if you wanted to make it terribly unhappy to protest about its forthcoming redevelopment as a McDonald’s but they quickly became suspicious of one another’s motivations.
“I first wondered if there were other officers present when someone complained about their blonde dreadlocks,” said a source. “She said they were itchy and horrible and that she’d feel better with her hair tied back in a severe bun and also that the Old Etonian tie she used to ironically hold-up her filthy combat trousers wasn’t half as comfortable as a utility belt stuffed with kit.”
Another source said, “We done a leaflet about how McDonald’s is kak and that and I thought something was suss when everyone had trouble with the spelling and things.”
Events finally came to a head around the campfire when after a particularly heavy session of consciousness raising the officers put down the bong and got confessional.
“We were talking about stuff we really liked doing,” said our first source. “And at first it was all normal, you know, like wearing tit-shaped helmets and parking wherever you like. Then it turned out that we all loved stopping and searching young black men in the street for no good reason. The penny dropped and, yeah, turns out we were all coppers.”
“People have already been having a go saying why is the police wasting so much money and manpower infiltrating groups that pose little or no threat to the Queen’s Peace when they should be investigating real crimes. Problem with that is none of us are odious enough to go convincingly undercover amongst bankers and corporate tax evaders. It’s been tried before, most recently with Agent Osborne, however there’s now serious concerns that he’s gone rogue and is no longer faking it for a greater good but really is that incompetent and dim.”
Environmental protest group disbands in chaos: all members revealed to be undercover police